Things I've Learned In The South

My mommy sent me this. I thought it was hilarious!!

Things I've Learned In The South A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one has seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite ya. "Onced" and "twiced" are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! (AMEN!!!) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?" People actually grow and eat okra. "Fixinto" is one word. It means, "I'm fixing to do that." There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. "Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you. The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?". You don't have to wear a watch down here because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em. "No, Jew?" is a common response to the question, "did you bring any beer?". You measure distance in minutes. You can switch from heat to A/C in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. (Or Act of God, like our FLOOD Festival in Montezuma!) You know what a DAWG is. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages for local high school sports and motor sports and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin' Wal-Martin'" or "off to Wally World". You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good vegetable soup weather. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.