Mama

It's surely been a while since I shared anything on this blog.  2020 was such a hard year.  The virus raged and hundreds of thousands of Americans died from it.  Mama and Daddy both had to go into a nursing home, temporarily we thought, for physical therapy and rehab.  Mama's legs and Daddy's arm, after he fell and broke it in July.  Mama's legs never got better and she got worse.  She passed away September 21st and my whole world collapsed.  It's hard to describe unless you're there, how it feels to have the ground snatched out from under you, to lose your anchor and just be drifting along, untethered and lost.  

Mama had been sick for a long, long time and still, here three and a half months later, it's still hard to believe she's gone.  At the beginning, I felt soooo connected to her and now, I'm feeling her slip away and that makes me unbelievably sad.  She came to me in dreams and for one entire day, I smelled roses.  I knew she was RIGHT THERE.  I listen to her voicemails on my phone and watch videos of her to keep her ALIVE with me but I still feel her slipping away.  I received a call today from the folks who made the slab for her grave.  It's there now, ready for me to go look at and approve.  I dread it.  I don't want to see it.  I'm the one who designed it and decided that she would have three little butterflies to represent my sister and brother and me on one corner and one hummingbird to represent Daddy on the other.  To see it, all hard and stony and cold, I don't know if I want to.  Ami and I took her flowers in the fall and a Christmas tree that stayed lit and her beloved poinsettia last month and we've been to visit her grave every other weekend, after we visit Daddy.  Through the window, talking to him with a baby monitor because of COVID.  We take him lunch and snacks and goodies and whatever he thinks to ask for.  We are trying so hard to get through this.  We tried so hard to protect him from the virus but when they tested him January 3rd, he had it.  He's positive.  So far so good, though.  We call him every day, Ami and I do, and we stay in constant contact with the staff regarding his care.  One of the last things Mama said to me was, "take care of Daddy".  I'm trying, Mama.  I'm trying.

The tears still come so easily.  I had a mini breakdown just before Christmas.  Sitting on the floor of our garage, going through her Christmas wrapping paper, bags and boxes.  I had decorated our tree this year with nothing but her decorations and Larry and I clipped on family photos here and there as well.  It was a pretty tree.  One that was so much Mama that it hurt my heart to look at it some days.

NOBODY was ever as interested in me or what was going on in my life as my mama was.  She was always so proud of my accomplishments and ready to hold me if I needed to cry over a broken heart or some trivial disappointment.  The memories are sharp right now.  Little small things that I'd buried years ago are rushing back to me now and I'm constantly saying, "my mama used to..." or "my mama always said...".  Although she has left this world, she is STILL my mama.  I am still her daughter.  That relationship is eternal.  I hold the words she said to me and the things she taught me so very close.  Ami and I both wanted to keep her with us through the holidays so we made her amazing cornbread dressing and I made her Martha Washington candy that she made for us every single Christmas.  I even made individual loaves of her ice box fruitcake and gave it to our neighbors.  It was a small way to keep her here with us and at times, I felt her presence with me in the kitchen.  Once I even thought to call her and ask her how long that fruitcake could keep in the fridge.  It's painful the places your brain goes sometimes.  

Losing your mama is a heartbreak like no other.  It feels like your heart is shattered into a bazillion little pieces.  How do you go on LIVING without your mama??  Do you even want to live in world that she's not in???  

Like I mentioned earlier, Mama was sick for a long time but 2020 was just unbelievably difficult for her.  I prayed to God constantly and I told Him, "if You want to take my mama, I won't be mad at You" and I wasn't.  I wouldn't wish her back here in the shape she was in.  Life was not good for her.  She couldn't do the things she wanted to, she couldn't take care of herself, Daddy or us.  When she got to where she couldn't walk, I think she just gave up.  

So we are left with the broken pieces of Mama.  A lifetime of memories, photographs, a few voicemails and videos.  I know she's still with me but I wish I could feel it as strongly as I did at first.  I'm worried that one day, she'll just be gone.  

Don't leave me, Mama.  Come see me and bring some roses.

When it rains, look for rainbows

I've tried to write this blog entry three times already.  I just don't know where to start.  Our world has changed so much in the last two months.  I guess that's about right.  Somewhere around the end of February, the first case of coronavirus showed up here.  Today, we have 810 THOUSAND cases and 44 THOUSAND deaths.  To be exact, 44,234 Americans have DIED.  While I know how this happened, I watched it happen, yet I still cannot fathom this incredible LOSS.

New York has been hit the hardest so far and they have had to resort to using air-conditioned trailers to keep the bodies in until they have the time, the manpower, the energy, to process them and give them decent burials. This is happening here, in this country.  The United States.  I just can't believe it.  It's like we're watching a movie.  But we're not.  It's real.  Georgia has 19,881 cases today and 799 deaths.  Hospitals are bursting at the seams, healthcare workers are working double shifts, without proper protection, using the same masks and coverings shift after shift, day after day, getting sick themselves, some of them dying.

I absolutely, completely and without any shame, blame Trump for this.  Not the virus, of course, he didn't cause that.  But his RESPONSE.  Too slow, not serious enough, his severe mishandling, LYING to us constantly about testing and masks and every-damn-thing else, absolutely no empathy for anyone so no concern for the sick and dying.  I knew this guy was garbage from Day One and I also knew that WHEN THE TIME CAME that we'd need a LEADER, he would fail us.  But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought we'd have such a horrific tragedy as this and this unbelievable loss we're suffering.

I am a government worker so I am considered "essential" (although when I was furloughed every Friday for six weeks seven years ago, I was non-essential.  Oy.) but the base decided to let those of us who have underlying health conditions (diabetes, heart disease, lung disease, immunity issues) go out on two months of administrative leave, they call it Weather and Safety Leave, in March, to try to protect those more fragile employees.  I took advantage of this offer since I have three of the conditions listed on the form.  I got my doctor to sign it, I turned it in to them and I've been at home since March 26th.  

Larry, however, works for a company that believes itself to be essential so he's been working.  We're washing hands, using Clorox wipes, Lysol and face masks.  Doing whatever we can to stay safe and healthy.  So far, so good.

It's horrible.  The whole world is under quarantine.  I follow a bunch of celebrities and influencers on Instagram and they're all sharing bits and pieces of their lives while stuck at home and it's comforting to see that we are, indeed, all in this together.  As far as all of us trying to stay home and stay healthy, anyway.  We're NOT actually all in this together.  22 million people in this country have lost their jobs.  The government threw us all a $1,200 bone this month but $1,200 will barely cover April's mortgage payment and groceries for an average American family.  Uncle Sam gonna have to do better than that!

I've spent my 26 days at home cleaning house, organizing things, keeping the laundry caught up, working in the yard a bit (we put fresh mulch in the front yard flower beds but we're out of mulch and are not going shopping for more any time soon), drinking lots of coffee, getting lots of rest, watching lots of Netflix.  I have a TBR stack two stories high but I just cannot sit down and read.  I did finish the book I was reading but that's about it.  Mostly I just stay on my phone or watch 24-hour news and stress out.  I've gone in to the office about once a week to catch up any work I have and check email and stuff like that.  I have Kroger deliver our groceries every week and we practice social distancing with our neighbors.  We watch church on Sunday mornings and we covet a double roll pack of toilet tissue.

Folks are doing all kinds of things to try and stay positive.  There's the bear in the window thing where people ride around the neighborhood and see how many teddy bears they can find sitting on window sills.  We have one in our front bedroom window.  Of course we do.  There's the rainbow thing, too, where everybody is drawing chalk rainbows in the street, their driveways and putting paper rainbows up in their windows.  

We believe that rainbows are God's promise that He would never again flood the earth.  We believe that He will send us one when this storm passes as well.  In the meantime, we've got a driveway and we've got sidewalk chalk. 

Ice House Baby

Larry and I have spent the last three weekends down in Macon County helping my folks out and I know it's crazy but every time I go "home", I cry.  I cry for days gone by, people I've loved who are no longer with us, my schools that are no longer there, the general rundownness (is that a word??) of it all.  Yesterday, we went to the store for Mama and there it was.  My granddaddy's ice house.  Been there forever.  Ain't making plans to go anywhere now either.

Well, my granddaddy's ice house makes me cry, too.

When I got finished shopping for the things Mama needed, I got back to the truck and Larry says, "hold on a minute" and when I asked where he was going, he says, "I'm going in the store".  He comes out a few minutes later and goes to the ice freezer and gets a bag of ice, comes back to the truck and tells me he doesn't want me to cry anymore.  Awwww.

We drive over to the ice house and he takes my picture holding that bag of ice in front of it.  

Another Clark with ice there.  We've come full circle.

Larry said there was a bad glare from the sun but that wasn't it.

That was my granddaddy smiling down on me.  

It's Christmas!

Sweet sugar at Black Rock Mountain State Park

We have just been living our best life this fall and now look, it's Christmas already!  

We went to the North Georgia mountains for Thanksgiving.  Had us a good old Waltons' mountain Thanksgiving, we did.  We rented a house in Tiger, Georgia and spent four amazing days in Clayton, Rabun Gap and Dillard.  We stopped on the way up at Tallulah Gorge and it was absolutely breathtaking.  Biggest hole we'd ever seen!  Of course, Larry had to go stand out on the edge and scare the mess out of me.  Of course he did.  

This is why they call 'em the Blue Ridge mountains.  Pic taken at Black Rock Mountain State Park, with its altitude of 3,640 feet.  Scared me half to death climbing that mountain!

The house we rented was in a holler, with mountain all around and it was just the cutest thing.  Fireplace, gorgeous kitchen, spa shower, wraparound deck with the most beautiful, peaceful little creek in the backyard.  We had our breakfast and coffee out there every morning, listening to that sweet little babbling brook.  We took Banjo and he was so happy running around in the yard and down by the creek with Daddy.

We had Thanksgiving dinner with about 3,000 other folks at The Dillard House and even though we stood in line and waited in the gift shop and out on the porch for two hours and then waited another half hour to get fed AND it was $60 for the both of us, it was so totally worth it.  They serve the food family style, where they bring bowls and platters of food to your table and you share with everyone sitting at your table.  Larry and I had our own table and we ate ham and turkey and pork loin with dressing, squash casserole, ambrosia, peas, green beans, rice and gravy, Silver Queen corn, rolls and pie until we were about to bust.  The restaurant is so pretty and so cozy and comfortable.  We were so happy that we went.  The ham was a big hit!  Best country ham we'd EVER had.  Alton Brown from The Food Network agrees!  

We did some Black Friday shopping at the antique stores and flea markets up there and there are hundreds!  We got to as many as we could and had so much fun finishing up our Christmas shopping.

And then Friday night, we went to a drive-in movie!  There's a drive-in there.  I was SOOOO excited to be able to go to the drive-in with Larry.  We were totally robbed of SO MUCH in our past and to be able to scratch this one off "the list" was amazing.  Such a wonderful surprise!  We saw "Ford v Ferrari" with Matt Damon and Christian Bale, surrounded by vintage cars, campers and Christmas lights.  It was the best.  And, OH THE POPCORN.  It was the most delicious popcorn I have ever had in my life.  I brought every kernel home in Ziploc bags and ate it for days.

Last weekend, we took the SAM Shortline Christmas train from Lake Blackshear to Plains and enjoyed the heck out of that.  The train was sloooow and it took about two hours to get there so we just sat and talked and looked out the window at trailer parks, abandoned tires, graffiti and the like.  Trains go through the worst of areas, I guess.  We made up a "12 Days of Christmas" song of the things we saw, only ours was more like "12 mobile homes, 11 broke-down cars, 10 old tires, 9 busted toilets, 8 fallen port-a-potties..."  Ha!  And ONE big old smilin' peaaaaanut!  President Carter isn't feeling well and had just gotten out of the hospital so he couldn't meet us at the train station but that's okay.  We just want him to get better.  Besides, we already met him!
  

We got to meet Santa, though, on the train and sit on his lap.  I was scared we'd break the poor man's leg!  I'd never seen Santa Claus with a ponytail but this one had one.  I mistakenly thought he was one of "us" but when he asked Larry what he wanted for Christmas and Larry said, "A new president", Santa actually bristled!  That was hilarious!  I'd never seen Santa Claus bristle before either and leave it to Larry to make him do it.  He just looked up at us and said he doesn't get into politics.  Probably a good thing, Santa.

We met up with my lifelong friend, Lisa, and her little girl, Bella, and then her nieces showed up, too!  What a wonderful little reunion!  It was a great day and we were happy-tired when we finally got back home.  

Larry spent two weekends getting the yard decorated and it's amazing!  We definitely have THE best yard in the neighborhood!!

And here's our tree.  The Super Fabulous Schneider Christmas Tree of 2019!

We're looking forward to having a quiet, peaceful Christmas at home this year.  2019 was a rough one for us and we are hoping that 2020 brings good health, happiness and even more love to our home.

And, oh yeah, a NEW PRESIDENT!

Time is just flying by!

I skipped September altogether!  I went back to work on the 3rd and spent the first month working in administration with absolutely NOTHING to do.  Made for very long days.  I moved back into my position as assistant to the Vehicle Control Officer and that's where I wanted and needed to be.  We went and "yard saled" at an F-15 building that's about to be turned over to C-130s and got everything I'd need for the new office.  A desk and chair from the flight chief's office and a filing cabinet from the planning office.  I am set now!  I love the job, I get along great with the VCO and since we've been working together for two years anyway, we hope to turn this into a permanent thing.

I'm still going to physical therapy on my foot twice a week.  They just extended my treatment for eight more weeks so that will be a total of four months' therapy.  I think it's helping.  My range of motion anyway.  They've taught me exercises to try and strengthen my muscles around my ankle to help me with stability, since I'm still wobbly as all get out.  They've suggested shoes (I got the Brooks Ghost 12s and I LOVE them!  Well, the right one, anyway.) and compression socks and we've done fluidotherapy with cellex (which is ground corn cobs that heats up really well) and they're going to cast me for custom orthotics.  I have extremely high arches and cannot find an orthotic that works well for me.  I do like my Vionic and Spenco shoes, though!  I'm supposed to start aquatic therapy (Larry and I LOVED the heated pool at the beach in August and I'm excited to see if I can do more with my foot in the water) later this month. 

Larry ran his very first 5K last Saturday and he did so good!!!  He finished in just over 40 minutes, with absolutely NO training, no practicing, he just got out there and started running.  That was just amazing to me.  It was to benefit the folks at the Georgia Arrhythmia Foundation, the same doctors who performed Larry's ablation in August.  We took Banjo and had a great time.  We even won a door prize!  A big box of Pyrex baking and food containers!  Oh, we thought that was HILARIOUS!!  But we'll sure use 'em!  We don't have much of the new Pyrex stuff, just leftover containers that I buy by the season.  I always have to get those Halloween and Christmas ones.

We went to the fair Wednesday night for a date night supper of corn dogs, hamburgers, black-eyed peas & cornbread and apple dumplings.  Ahhhh, fair food.  Larry had worked down there setting up his job's vending booth in the McGill Marketplace and he'd seen some really cute leopard tops and cardigans he thought I would like.  So we got one.  A lightweight cardigan that fits just right.  ALLTHELEOPARDTHINGS!!  I just love leopard stuff these days and my closet will confirm that fact.  A couple of weeks ago, I got me a pair of fleece leopard britches and I'm just waiting on that first cold snap.

We've made plans to go up to the mountains next month and we are so excited about that!  We rented a house in the woods with a creek and we're gonna enjoy the flea markets and antique stores and the lots of peace and quiet.  Banjo's going, too.  

I cannot wait.

A little island time

Finally!!  We spent three absolutely glorious days at Jekyll Island last weekend and it was just what the doctor(s) ordered for us!!  We rented a villa at Driftwood Beach and it was perfect.  Two stories (those stairs were a struggle!), two bedrooms, a fully-equipped kitchen and I think our upstairs balcony had the best view in the whole place!  

Sunrise, sunburn, sunset, repeat.  We saw that on a t-shirt in a shop there and this was true for us.  We both got a little burned, despite constantly spraying each other down with sunscreen.  The days were overcast with long periods of bright beautiful sun and it was so absolutely worth it.  Larry's immediately turned brown and mine has now.  Gone are my days of burning, peeling and turning white again.  Since menopause, my skin tans and my hair is curly.  I'm a totally different girl!

We love Driftwood Beach and since we were staying right there, we went there first.  

We think that's probably 5th most romantic beach in the country, but who's arguing?  It is romantic.

It's a beautiful place and the site of some Walking Dead scenes come fall!  They filmed there my birthday week.  Don't miss it!

I love this picture I took of Larry.  He was so tired. 

My poor foot's first dip in the ocean since she went to hell and came back.  BEST. FEELING. EVER.  !!!!!!!

Driftwood Beach is miles and miles of trees that were once part of a forest and now have become driftwood from years of the sea washing over them.  We see lots of photographers there and we've even been there when a wedding was taking place.  Yep.  Quite the romantic spot and the best place for us to go first. 

We can't go anywhere without a cat finding us!  This little girl was right outside our townhouse Saturday night.  (And Sunday morning.  And Sunday night.  And Monday morning.)  She has her ear notched, which means she's a Jekyll Feral and has been caught, spayed and returned to live her life out on the beach and eat tuna and chicken and ham and whatever else visitors give her.  Not a bad life at all.  Shoot, I'd love it!

We got up early Sunday morning, had our coffee on the balcony and watched the sun come up.  The breeze off the ocean was downright chilly at times and we were loving that!  Got home and it's 100 degrees again.  Ugh.  

We spent Sunday morning at Jekyll Beach and could not have asked for better weather!  We just sat and relaxed and fed the seagulls and took dips in the ocean and just enjoyed being together.  I've never attended a more beautiful Sunday service.  It was such a long time coming and we enjoyed every second.  Look at that sky.  

Georgia has the most beautiful coastline.  I'm not sure why everybody wants to go to Florida all the time.  Not a big deal at all.  More room for us!

We went out Sunday afternoon and shopped a little and had supper at Jekyll Island Seafood Company.  And I got to wear my new Lilly dress!  I was so scared I'd get shrimp and grits on it.  I bought it earlier this summer JUST to have when we went to the beach.  It did not disappoint.

We played 18 holes of miniature golf and Larry only beat me by two strokes, which was a straight miracle.  I suck at golf, miniature or otherwise.  It was so fun, though.

We spent some all-to-ourselves time in the pool Monday morning, had breakfast at the Jekyll Island Golf Club and went back to the beach for a while.  We always have to go and say "see ya later" to the ocean.  Ever since I was a tiny girl, I've had to do that.  Not goodbye, see ya later.  'Cause I will.

Larry feeding the seagulls again.  Popcorn this time.  We "met" one seagull, Hoppy, we called him, who only had one foot.  He was there Sunday and Monday.

Larry wrote this in the sand.

It sure was.

All the Pyrex!

If you know me, you know I've been collecting vintage Pyrex for a while now.  Over five years.  It all started when my Maw passed away and I took her Amish Butterprint home with me.  When Larry and I discovered estate sales in 2014, it just took off from there and now we've got 238 pieces!  Whaaaaaa???  

I usually take them all down and clean them and the shelves a couple times a year, and rearrange them for the seasons.  I haven't been able to do that since before my first surgery.  I've just been dusting around them.  I don't let our housekeeper near the Pyrex.  They are off limits.  If one breaks, it's ME that broke it.

I started physical therapy this week.  I'm going two days a week for about an hour at a time, doing strengthening exercises, mostly, because I'm not going to be growing back any ligaments or tendons.  We're working on building my muscles up to help support where the ligaments and tendon can't anymore.  I was feeling up to it yesterday so down came all the Pyrex and I cleaned them, dusted the shelves and put them all back, rearranging them and putting fall patterns and colors front and center.  Larry helped me and I think we did a great job!  We also moved the dining room table next to the wall so now we have all this space in the kitchen!  Our kitchen and dining room are one big room open to the living room and I love that layout.

Here's how it looked once I got them all down off the shelves.  I blocked myself in and I had to make a maze to get through.  Banjo wouldn't even come in there!

Here's me, hard at work!

  Here's after!

Soooo much room now!  I told Larry we got lots of room for dancing in there now!

I moved the chicken lamp from the counter to the table and we like it there.  I just love a lamp in the kitchen.  It makes things so cozy.

I go back to work after Labor Day.  I feel like I'm nesting getting ready for a baby!  There's so much I want and need to do before I go back to work.  I'll be cleaning and organizing something every day!